Saturday, August 1, 2009

Commitment and Rebellion

I made a commitment to myself and a circle of "sacred sisters" to write on my blog for 30 days...and I have failed. Part of me feels guilty...I don't like that part, no not one bit.
However, there is this other part of me that says "what the f**k" how am I going to live into all of my commitments... commitments really made to myself and witnessed by my three very dear friends. When I recognize this rebellious voice screaming ...not in just in my head, but in my heart and every cell of my body...I am taken aback and, I must say, relieved. I can then take a deep breath and realize that I am not letting anyone down...not even myself. No I am trying to get my feet under me and figure out how to manage all of the different parts of my life.

I don't have time to write about this now. I have been held over at work for 1 1/2 hours and I just got word that my relief is on the way, so I need to gather myself together for transfer of shift to my relief Engineer (driver).

I do "want" to explore this discovery more in writing...but I cannot make any promises right myself or plate is I take it one day at a time... a HUGE lesson in patience, trust and belief that everything my heart desires has happened already...IN ITS OWN TIME.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Sometimes Tired Is Okay

Alright then. I'm tired. Wish I wasn't. Wish I had all the energy in the world to just keep this working machine going. But can't. I am an organic body, with a human psyche and when I push me too much, well...I get tired.

ahhh...such is the nature of being human.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Resting Close to my Kitchen

Well today has been a day of rest...sort of. It did start with a trip to Home Depot where I purchased sheetrock, drywall mud and other assorted construction materials... then I hauled it all up the hill to our home. I am alone today which means I hauled it up alone. When I was done, I was well...just DONE! So I fixed myself a Marie Calender's Chicken Pot Pie (how is that for healthy eating!) and sat down with John Grisham's The Client (which I have been reading for at least a month now) and rested everything...body, mind and spirit. Sacredness comes along in strange packages at times and I know without a doubt that this day is just as Sacred as yesterday and the day before...

Oh, I found myself wandering into my Sacred Kitchen, here and there, and thanking it for its progress toward completion and all that it teaches me in the process.

Tomorrow I return to my other life with San Jose Fire...and the sacredness continues...

Friday, July 24, 2009

Angels and Kitchens

An Angel dropped into my kitchen today. While this is a common occurance for me (these days), it still takes my breath away in amazemnt. This paticular angel is a small & young package...oh about 5'4" and in her early twenties... her name is Christa. Christa knows how to use a chop-saw, jig saw and nail gun. She understands the concepts of building construction and when she offers to help she is ready to work her buns off!

When you are fully present, "in the moment" with Christa you can see her wings. REALLY, I swear! They curl lovingly around her body when she is in a contemplative moment and flap gracefully through the air when she is excited or happy. Christa's wings are not made of feathers, though they are irradescent and feathery in form. Actually, she would love for her wings to be feathers...I know this because she gathers & collects feathers of every sort. She would never pass a feather up seen lying on the ground or wafting through the air...she loves everything made of feathers...Actually she loves EVERYTHING. She is the incarnation of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. That is why I know (even though she is young in body) she is a very old soul, an angel incarnate...but I diverse.

Angel Christa dropped into my kitchen today. We quietly worked in haromonious, sacred construction. At the end of this day I came to believe that the construction of my kitchen will truly be completed with ease, comraderie and joyous miracles... just as Three Angels prophecied just three days ago...but that is another story...

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Standing Where I Am

A blank screen stares back at me. Nothing wants to reveal itself tonight. So I stand where I am in this moment and write nothing. What is nothing anyway? Is there clarity in nothing? Revelation? Curiosity? Fatigue? Insight?...or is it exactly what it seems... Nothing?

If we had nothing to think about, nothing to dream about, nothing to worry about and nothing to look forward to...would that be nothingness or is it something else. In my case I have plenty of hopes, dreams, aspirations. In fact, my life is full of exciting potenial. At age 53 I find more TRUE wonder in the world than I can ever remember. Sometimes that wonder sneaks up on me and grabs my heart in excitement catapulting me into wonder and gratitude for life.
Now, I know that is NOT Nothing.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Web of Firefighters

Firefighters...We are a WEB woven through the city, solid, strong, always, always answering every single call, no matter how critical or how benign. Our web creates an intricate matrix of strong arms ready, willing and able. What does that LOOK LIKE?:

Fire Stations, Large Shiny Fire apparatus, Lights and Sirens, Trauma Bag, Airway Bag, Drug Box, Heart Monitor, Jaws of Life, all of which are tools to be used when a world has gone awry in a large or small way. However, all of this equipment is meaningless without the most important connector of this web...PEOPLE. Without the people the web disintegrates into broken down abandoned buildings, rusting, eroded fire equipment, broken plastic and silence. Not just the silence of sirens, but the silence of voices. Voices that encourage, calm, enquire, instruct and yes direct all for one assist when things have gone awry, whether it be a broken or failing body or a broken, burning home or family business.

The voices of Firefighters are followed by action. This action is full of purpose, good intentions and phenomenal skill. It is action that works towards accomplishing that which some would find overwhelming, frightening or unbearable...such as entering a dark, hot burning building searching for the elderly father...or wrapping arms around the hanging suicide patient in order to release the tension of the rope so that it can be cut and then gently lying that patient on the floor to see if he is savable... or pulling a drowned child from a swimming pool and skillfully moving foreward in every way as if that child can be save...not even thinking otherwise.

The action, no matter how intense or how benign, is then followed by cleaning up, putting tools back in order, restocking equipment, getting everything in place, including the human psyche, so that the WEB is ready and in tack for the next call of service.

What would happen if this POWERFUL WEB did not exist? What would that look like, sound like, feel like? How would its nonexistence impact the psyche of our communities? I wonder...

Saturday, July 18, 2009

When Resentment Teaches Me Gratitude

I had the most wonderful day yesterday. The best in a long time. It was a day spent in reflection, meditation, organizing and cleaning my own house, followed by teaching Reiki later in the afternoon...not to mention the joy of picking up a beautiful kitchen table that was gifted to us by dear friends.

The last 4-6 weeks have been spent doing the things I had to do (with love I might add) in order to rearrange Marshall Creek Center and get our new renters settled in. It has been a push to get it all done, and a stretch to eeak out time for my own needs and pay attention to my precious home and sacred work.

Yesterday was a full day...non stop until I went to bed at 10 or so, but I felt at peace and rested through the day, I also feel rested here at work today. Just goes to show what a difference it makes in our energy levels when we tend to where our heart and soul is calling us.

We live on three acres in the Santa Cruz Mountains. There are three cottages on the land. Two of the cottages are nestled between a lively year round creek (Marshall Creek) and a hilly spine that heads up a gulch. The third cottage rests on top the the hilly spine.., this is our home. One of the cottages along the creek (below our home) is rented to an awesome couple who are good neighbors. The second cottage is the home of Marshall Creek Center for Wellness and Healing (MCC). MCC is primarily ran by my husband Steve... though I also have spent many hours doing manual labor in the upkeep of these homes, as we cannot afford to hire help in this matter.

At times I find myself becoming resentful that so much of my energy is drawn to the cottages below, when what I really want is to make and create my own home. Then I take a deep breath and remember that I love the grounds of MCC, it is part of my home. The creek, the Redwood and Laurel trees, the scent of forest...all of this awaits me when I come home. And when I step out the door of my home in the morning, I am greeted by the smell of damp earthy wholeness and the views of strong, tall, well rooted trees, who walk down the hill with me and embrace me before I get into my car to drive off to work. When I remember this I am grateful for all that I have and all that I am able to give in exchange.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Relationship With Self

Today is a day of quiet and reflection... TRUE time with myself...a time without distractions, without busy-ness.

Ahhh, how I unconsciously DO everything in the world to prevent this time for SELF. Don't get me wrong, the things I DO are important. They get things done. They accomplish. They provide proof that my existence here in our world can and does make a physical difference. I am very, very productive.

But...I have notice that quite often the DOING takes me further and further away from my own Hearts Soul's Calling. Why? Why shouldn't the DOING bring me closer to my Heart and Soul?

An understanding is dawning upon me. How can the DOING be in alignment with my Heart and Soul if I am not listening to my SELF. Time with myself is so very, very important. It is the place of knowing, understanding and clarity. It is the place of groundedness, direction and alignment. I commit myself to creating the time for developing this self relationship through reflection, quiet and connection to my very natural, sacred energy...some call this Reiki.

Today is a day of reflection. A day spent with SELF

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Kitchens Can Be Sacred Too

Yea thats right, kitchens can be sacred too... and mine is. It may be unfinished with studs exposed, cabinets unhung and an exposed plywood subfloor. But thats all right, because I know its value. I know what it is bringing to me now and what it will bring to me later. I absolutely love my kitchen...and that is why it will be completed soon. I have chosen to charish and care for it. I will build it with devotion, love, tenderness, laughter and comraderie.

My kitchen is a sacred journey into patience, reflection, knowing what is important and grace. It teaches me what I long for... a home that is inviting, real, functional, grounded. A place to eat healthy meals, read, write, do homework, have great conversations with my honey, with family and with my cherished friends. It teaches me that I am ready for a real home of my own, rich in exprience and life. It teaches me that I am ready to move inward toward myself so that I am able to move outward toward others with love, compassion and deep presence. WOW what a GREAT KITCHEN!!!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Heart Songs Rock!

Heart Songs Are:
The way we love our friends and family.
Those moments that we pause and feel the living breeze brush our cheek.
The conversation that begins as a grumbing, clashes into pain, quiets into listening and evolves into seeing self and other with love and compassion.
Moving through fatigue and resistance because we love our vision, our Commitments &
Heart Songs are
Loving Life...all of it.
Heart Songs Rock!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Fatique and Guilt :-(

I have come to acknowledge that guilt has a place in my tells me when I need to cut myself some slack...and it tells me that I have not lived into a commitment to myself.

I have made a commitment to myself (witnessed by three of my dearest friends) that I will post on my blog everyday for 30 days straight. Well I have missed two days in a row, dang it!

But here I am (and believe me my eyes and body ache with exhaustion right now) back in the saddle. I got bucked off the horse of my commitment by fatigue & resistance. So tonight I dust of the fatigue, place my hands on the hips of attitude and jump on with words that roll out of their own accord. In the end, I may read this tomorrow and find the mindless ramblings of a delirious soul just going through the motions of a promise...or just maybe, I may learn from my own writings. We can always hope.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Sickness and Integration

Well last night I was sick. This wasn't just a achy body not feeling right kinda sick. Ooooh no! It was a hug the toilet bowel sick, while I puked my guts out. And every time I attempted to stand up a wave of nausea would wash over me until the toilet bowl and I were one once again. Finally, I surrendered my feeble attempts to separate myself from this porcelain sanctuary and just eased myself down on the bathroom floor close to my new caretaker...the toilet.

When my Honey came home from the office, he took pity on me and helped me up to our bed, where I fell into the exhausted sleep of one who had been digging ditches all day long. Today I woke up with a still rebellious stomach, but I was able to keep things at bay and I am feeling better and more rested this evening.

After this full day of nursing, resting and caring for myself, it feels like an emotional shift has taken place. I feel at peace. I wonder why? What kind of emotional purging took place while my body was expelling and rejecting?

Upon reflection, I remember that just 3 days ago I attended a Reiki Expansion meet up, facilitated by my dear friend JOYce Leonard (check out her blog ). There were 5 of us Reiki Practitioners there and we each had an opportunity to lay on the table and receive Reiki from 4 others. Before we received we stated out loud an intention for our session. My intention was one word - "FOCUS". This word expresses my desire to simplify my life and to bring into alignment all parts of myself - Writer, Artist, Reiki Bearer, Shamanic Visionary, Student, Teacher, Wife, Firefighter and some many others parts that I have not yet discovered.

In the way of connecting to our Sacred Energy (Reiki) the answer to bringing FOCUS into my life did not blare itself out to me in a booming voice (well I guess this could potentially happen on rare occasions). What I noted was an anxiousness and fatigue the following day (while at work at the firehouse), sadness, grieve and a bit of anger. None of this associated with any one experience... a frenzied busyness the next day (at home) in an attempt to get projects done, followed by all out purging while hugging the toilet that night...followed by calling in sick to work this morning and quiet reflection all day long...followed by peace this evening. An EMOTOIONAL SHIFT ...a POWERFUL INTEGRATION...due to healing and release that I cannot see clearly yet.

I do know clarity and insight will follow, for this is the way of REIKI. I am Grateful.

Friday, July 10, 2009

I Am Reiki

As my friend Joyce Leonard often says,
"We do not do Reiki, we are Reiki."

I am Reiki. Ahhh. Now that feels right and good. The Japanese word Reiki translates most directly to Rei = Sacred Ki=Energy. I have been in touch with this energy before I new that a modality of Reiki existed.

In another life (only 5 years and more ago) I would run the hills of Pena Adobe -a large park (acres of land) in Vacaville, Ca. This was a sacred time for me. I would run and with the rhythmic beat of my feet upon earth I would enter a meditative state. If only I had written down some of the profound insights and visions I had during these passages. But I diverse.

Invaribly when I reached the hightest peak of Pena Adobe and looked out over the landscape of my town and beyond, I was humbled with the privilege of living. With this deep gratitude, I felt the connection of a loving, healing energy that literally filled me up and then radiated through my very skin. I would be so grateful for this connection that I would ask that this beautiful light would extend out to my family & friends and on to my town - Vacaville, on to my state - California, on to my country - the US, on to my world, on to my Universe and on and on and on never stopping. It was endless. It did not run out. It did not deplete me to extend this extraordinary sacred energy, essence, LOVE, whatever we choose to call it out to eternity. In fact, it made me Vital, Whole, Happy & Peaceful. I did not have a worry in the world during those times. All was perfect. This is Reiki.

In my most perfect moments, I am Reiki.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Living In Two Worlds

Today I woke up at 5am. Well, I began hitting the snooze button at 5am. It was time for me to leave a world of family, friends, dreams and construction and return to my other self...Firefighter. So after the 2nd round of snooze button dozing, I got up turned on the coffee, hit the bathroom, let two cats out -fed three cats, gave Zak our dog an affectionate pat and headed back to bed for another doze. After another couple of snooze button dozes I finally roused myself to a cup of coffee and morning reflection.

It is interesting to exist in this place between worlds...the world of Firefighter and my other world of soul searching and spiritual integration. In reality if I am integrating my soul and spiritual self, I should not feel that I live in two worlds...yet I do. My two separate communities do not really know each other. Nor does each community see this other part of my life. It is quite disorienting to me at times. Surreal even.

These thoughts rattled around in my head as I pulled on my capri's, t-shirt and shoes, gathered up my portable office of books and laptop. My husband mumbled a sleepy "Goodbye Honey, drive safe" as I kissed his blond bearded cheek and fell back into sleep. Most often Zak stays curled up in his bed, knowing that I am leaving for some other place than home. But this morning he accompanied me to our front door to see me off. I gave him a thump, thump thump on his side as he leaned into my legs.

As I opened the door I was immersed in the damp, early morning smell of the forest. I paused, turned my face upward, soaked it in and gave thanks for my life. I then gave Zak one last pat and a "Be a good boy. Take care of Daddy". I closed the white rimmed slider that is our front door, locked it with a zingle of keys and turned to walk down the stairs of our deck and down the long path to my parked car, where I drove away to my other life.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I Am Part Firefighter

I am part Firefighter.
What I mean by that is that I am a Firefighter, but this is only part of who I am as a whole. Firefighter does not describe that part of me that is Searcher, Writer, Artist, Visionary, Healer and Wife. It does not describe the Shamanic aspect of my Self nor the part of me that is connected to Reiki - that Sacred Energy that animates me and transforms me when I embrace it even just a little. … and profoundly transforms me when I embrace it fully. I am also a builder, a dreamer, a doer, and a procrastinator. I am evolving and changing so quickly that I can hardly keep up with me.
So WHO AM I? I am me, April - a complex, beautiful, human entity.


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

My Days Are Rarely As I Think They Should Be

I came across this e-mail I sent to my dear friends a few weeks back.
It is a reminder to me that every single day is an opportunity to step into the sacred, which for me is a source of walking in joy & laughter.

Today I thought I was going to begin work underneath our house (Pook's Hill) in order to clean out and organize the unseen cluttered part of our home - thus honoring my willingness to work on my inner self - my unconsciousness self. Soooo..... I put on my work clothes walked down the exterior stairs of our home and entered that portion of our house that is underneath our living space. It is tall enough to stand in and somewhat protected from the weather. As a result it has all the stuff that we (Steve and I) do not know what to do with, stored there waiting for recognition and then release or use. I was absolutely overwhelmed. I sat down and looked closely at my do-able options. During this moment, I also honored my willingness to take physical steps to clear the outside manifestation of my own inner workings... I took a deep breath and asked for truth.

Then I saw... sitting amongst all of that clutter were materials just waiting to be used in the completion of our kitchen. I suddenly realized, with absolute clarity, that in this situation the best way to begin the clearing out of our hidden clutter was to begin finishing the projects that were very visible to us. By so doing much of the hidden clutter would be put to very wonderful use and it would be cleared out from underneath our house thus clearing space from that which could not be so obviously seen. A twofold healing of clutter. So now I am back to doing what I REEEAAALLY wanted to do - finish my kitchen. Yet in my willingness to deal with the not so obvious I was brought back to what my heart was yearning for, but with a difference - I am now setting to work on my kithcen remodel as a sacred action of devotion to myself, my purpose and who I am in the world. YES! Isn't life amazing.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Tid Bits for Now

My dreams. They swell in my heart, pushing out, out, out until my heart bursts open to new worlds... and then the swell begins again, different this time. This wave is one of gratitude and awe of my unfolding life. I know I will have the courage to share more as I find myself at home here on this blog... and so for now I share tid bits.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

LIFE into Life

So I want to write... here I am with a BIG BLANK PAGE staring me in the face. All those thoughts, great insights, funny anecdotes and meaningful stories have fled and gone into hiding -deep into the forested, nutrient rich wilds of my mind.

What a f..king adventure! The hunt is on and I am not hunting for the kill. I am hunting for the life, the vitality, the essence of what brings LIFE into life.

Want to join me?.....Hang onto your hat... it can be a wild ride...