Saturday, August 1, 2009

Commitment and Rebellion

I made a commitment to myself and a circle of "sacred sisters" to write on my blog for 30 days...and I have failed. Part of me feels guilty...I don't like that part, no not one bit.
However, there is this other part of me that says "what the f**k" how am I going to live into all of my commitments... commitments really made to myself and witnessed by my three very dear friends. When I recognize this rebellious voice screaming ...not in just in my head, but in my heart and every cell of my body...I am taken aback and, I must say, relieved. I can then take a deep breath and realize that I am not letting anyone down...not even myself. No I am trying to get my feet under me and figure out how to manage all of the different parts of my life.

I don't have time to write about this now. I have been held over at work for 1 1/2 hours and I just got word that my relief is on the way, so I need to gather myself together for transfer of shift to my relief Engineer (driver).

I do "want" to explore this discovery more in writing...but I cannot make any promises right myself or plate is I take it one day at a time... a HUGE lesson in patience, trust and belief that everything my heart desires has happened already...IN ITS OWN TIME.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Sometimes Tired Is Okay

Alright then. I'm tired. Wish I wasn't. Wish I had all the energy in the world to just keep this working machine going. But can't. I am an organic body, with a human psyche and when I push me too much, well...I get tired.

ahhh...such is the nature of being human.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Resting Close to my Kitchen

Well today has been a day of rest...sort of. It did start with a trip to Home Depot where I purchased sheetrock, drywall mud and other assorted construction materials... then I hauled it all up the hill to our home. I am alone today which means I hauled it up alone. When I was done, I was well...just DONE! So I fixed myself a Marie Calender's Chicken Pot Pie (how is that for healthy eating!) and sat down with John Grisham's The Client (which I have been reading for at least a month now) and rested everything...body, mind and spirit. Sacredness comes along in strange packages at times and I know without a doubt that this day is just as Sacred as yesterday and the day before...

Oh, I found myself wandering into my Sacred Kitchen, here and there, and thanking it for its progress toward completion and all that it teaches me in the process.

Tomorrow I return to my other life with San Jose Fire...and the sacredness continues...

Friday, July 24, 2009

Angels and Kitchens

An Angel dropped into my kitchen today. While this is a common occurance for me (these days), it still takes my breath away in amazemnt. This paticular angel is a small & young package...oh about 5'4" and in her early twenties... her name is Christa. Christa knows how to use a chop-saw, jig saw and nail gun. She understands the concepts of building construction and when she offers to help she is ready to work her buns off!

When you are fully present, "in the moment" with Christa you can see her wings. REALLY, I swear! They curl lovingly around her body when she is in a contemplative moment and flap gracefully through the air when she is excited or happy. Christa's wings are not made of feathers, though they are irradescent and feathery in form. Actually, she would love for her wings to be feathers...I know this because she gathers & collects feathers of every sort. She would never pass a feather up seen lying on the ground or wafting through the air...she loves everything made of feathers...Actually she loves EVERYTHING. She is the incarnation of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. That is why I know (even though she is young in body) she is a very old soul, an angel incarnate...but I diverse.

Angel Christa dropped into my kitchen today. We quietly worked in haromonious, sacred construction. At the end of this day I came to believe that the construction of my kitchen will truly be completed with ease, comraderie and joyous miracles... just as Three Angels prophecied just three days ago...but that is another story...

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Standing Where I Am

A blank screen stares back at me. Nothing wants to reveal itself tonight. So I stand where I am in this moment and write nothing. What is nothing anyway? Is there clarity in nothing? Revelation? Curiosity? Fatigue? Insight?...or is it exactly what it seems... Nothing?

If we had nothing to think about, nothing to dream about, nothing to worry about and nothing to look forward to...would that be nothingness or is it something else. In my case I have plenty of hopes, dreams, aspirations. In fact, my life is full of exciting potenial. At age 53 I find more TRUE wonder in the world than I can ever remember. Sometimes that wonder sneaks up on me and grabs my heart in excitement catapulting me into wonder and gratitude for life.
Now, I know that is NOT Nothing.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Web of Firefighters

Firefighters...We are a WEB woven through the city, solid, strong, always, always answering every single call, no matter how critical or how benign. Our web creates an intricate matrix of strong arms ready, willing and able. What does that LOOK LIKE?:

Fire Stations, Large Shiny Fire apparatus, Lights and Sirens, Trauma Bag, Airway Bag, Drug Box, Heart Monitor, Jaws of Life, all of which are tools to be used when a world has gone awry in a large or small way. However, all of this equipment is meaningless without the most important connector of this web...PEOPLE. Without the people the web disintegrates into broken down abandoned buildings, rusting, eroded fire equipment, broken plastic and silence. Not just the silence of sirens, but the silence of voices. Voices that encourage, calm, enquire, instruct and yes direct all for one assist when things have gone awry, whether it be a broken or failing body or a broken, burning home or family business.

The voices of Firefighters are followed by action. This action is full of purpose, good intentions and phenomenal skill. It is action that works towards accomplishing that which some would find overwhelming, frightening or unbearable...such as entering a dark, hot burning building searching for the elderly father...or wrapping arms around the hanging suicide patient in order to release the tension of the rope so that it can be cut and then gently lying that patient on the floor to see if he is savable... or pulling a drowned child from a swimming pool and skillfully moving foreward in every way as if that child can be save...not even thinking otherwise.

The action, no matter how intense or how benign, is then followed by cleaning up, putting tools back in order, restocking equipment, getting everything in place, including the human psyche, so that the WEB is ready and in tack for the next call of service.

What would happen if this POWERFUL WEB did not exist? What would that look like, sound like, feel like? How would its nonexistence impact the psyche of our communities? I wonder...

Saturday, July 18, 2009

When Resentment Teaches Me Gratitude

I had the most wonderful day yesterday. The best in a long time. It was a day spent in reflection, meditation, organizing and cleaning my own house, followed by teaching Reiki later in the afternoon...not to mention the joy of picking up a beautiful kitchen table that was gifted to us by dear friends.

The last 4-6 weeks have been spent doing the things I had to do (with love I might add) in order to rearrange Marshall Creek Center and get our new renters settled in. It has been a push to get it all done, and a stretch to eeak out time for my own needs and pay attention to my precious home and sacred work.

Yesterday was a full day...non stop until I went to bed at 10 or so, but I felt at peace and rested through the day, I also feel rested here at work today. Just goes to show what a difference it makes in our energy levels when we tend to where our heart and soul is calling us.

We live on three acres in the Santa Cruz Mountains. There are three cottages on the land. Two of the cottages are nestled between a lively year round creek (Marshall Creek) and a hilly spine that heads up a gulch. The third cottage rests on top the the hilly spine.., this is our home. One of the cottages along the creek (below our home) is rented to an awesome couple who are good neighbors. The second cottage is the home of Marshall Creek Center for Wellness and Healing (MCC). MCC is primarily ran by my husband Steve... though I also have spent many hours doing manual labor in the upkeep of these homes, as we cannot afford to hire help in this matter.

At times I find myself becoming resentful that so much of my energy is drawn to the cottages below, when what I really want is to make and create my own home. Then I take a deep breath and remember that I love the grounds of MCC, it is part of my home. The creek, the Redwood and Laurel trees, the scent of forest...all of this awaits me when I come home. And when I step out the door of my home in the morning, I am greeted by the smell of damp earthy wholeness and the views of strong, tall, well rooted trees, who walk down the hill with me and embrace me before I get into my car to drive off to work. When I remember this I am grateful for all that I have and all that I am able to give in exchange.